The Lord Of The Matrix
by Ninja Squirrel
Summary: A hyper spoof. Inspired by my favourite FF.net authors. A crossover (duh) between LOTR and the Matrix. Totally stupid.
1. Whaaarghh

A.N: Hobbit-Eyes, one of my favourite authors on FF.net, has inspired me to put my hyperactivity to good use. So while I am hyper, I will write random crap. Bleuuurrrghh.  
  
The Lord Of The Matrix  
  
Scene: Thomas A. Anderson is sitting at his computer in his grotty little bedsitty thing, slumped on his keyboard. He is wearing oversized headphones, which appear to be playing "Help! I'm a Fish!". Microsoft Word is open, and as his head is pressing letters on the keyboard, the screen displays random things.  
  
Screen: gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhffffffffffllllllllppppp ppppppp,,,,,,,,fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff  
  
Suddenly, the screen turns black. The words "Wake up, Neo" appear on his screen. As if by magic, his eyes flicker open. Ohhhh, those eyes.  
  
Neo: Wha? (sees screen) Whaargh!!  
  
Random woman who has been sleeping in his bed: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo: Whaargh!! What the hell did I drink last night?  
  
Screen: The Matrix has you...  
  
Neo: Bleurg.  
  
Screen: Is that Help! I'm a Fish! you're listening to?...  
  
Neo: This didn't happen...  
  
Screen: Follow the white rabbit...  
  
Neo: Do you have a compulsion to type three dots after each sentence?  
  
Screen: Er, no...  
  
Neo: Riiiight. This is random. Here I am, sitting at my computer having a conversation with it. Last time this happened, I was stoned.  
  
Screen: Knock knock, Neo...  
  
There is a knock on the door.  
  
Neo: That's nice an' all, but as you seem to be watching me, can you tell me what I drank last night?  
  
Screen: Seven Bacardi Breezers, three Tequilas, fifteen pints of Heineken and a mug of hot chocolate...  
  
Neo: Hot chocolate?!?! Darn, there goes my waistline.  
  
Voice outside: Are you going to open this door or what?  
  
Neo: Who is it? Guy: It's Choi.  
  
Neo: Choi? I don't know anyone called Choi.  
  
Choi: Yes you do.  
  
Neo: Okay then.  
  
He springs over to the door, puts the chainy thing on, and peeks out. There is a weird guy who must be Choi, and some strange girl with strange hair and a strange choker on. In the background, Neo can see a load of pink- haired dudes and a pantomime horse.  
  
Choi: So...got it?  
  
Neo: ....?  
  
Choi: The minidisc? That you hide in your hollow booky thing?  
  
Neo: Ahhh.  
  
He walks over to his bookcase and pulls out a book. The bookcase swings round to reveal a secret pathway.  
  
Neo: Er...oops.  
  
He swings the bookcase back round and examines his collection. Finally, he pulls out a book with the words "Top Secret Hollowed-Out Book With Minidiscs Inside". He opens it, and picks up four minidiscs.  
  
Neo: Hmm...hey, Choi, is it "Magic Roundabout"?  
  
Choi: No, but I'll give you an extra hundred for it.  
  
Neo: "The Holy Grail"?  
  
Choi: Nope...Neo, how long will this take? It's already ages over the original scripted time.  
  
Neo: Shuddup! Is it "Choi's minidisc"?  
  
Choi: Bingo. Two thousand bucks, then?  
  
Neo: Cough.  
  
Choi: Two thousand and one hundred for the Magic Roundabout minidisc.  
  
Neo passes him the discs and sticks his hand out for the money. Choi gives it to him.  
  
Choi: Hey, me and Dujour-  
  
Neo splutters.  
  
Choi: Me and Dujour-  
  
Neo struggles to contain his laughter.  
  
Choi: Quit it. We and the guys are headin' downtown. You need to unplug, man. Come to the club with us.  
  
Neo: No thanks. I don't do clubs.  
  
Choi: Yeah, man, but you do seven Bacardi Breezers, three Tequilas, fifteen pints of Heineken and a mug of hot chocolate...  
  
Neo: Get your eyes off my computer.  
  
Choi: So? Kommst du mit?  
  
Neo: Again, nahh...  
  
They turn around. Suddenly, a white rabbit comes flying at Neo, and hits him in the face.  
  
Neo: So, where you headin'? Am I invited?  
  
Choi: Climb aboard!  
  
Neo mounts the pantomime horse which proceeds to take him to Club Mimosa.  
  
A.N: You know, I do like a good review in the morning. Or evening. But I'm not going to self-insert. Ohhh no. 


	2. In Da Club

Chapter 2: In Da Club  
  
Scene: Club Mimosa (don't ask, people who know me will understand) in the heart of San Baguette, America. (No, it's not a real place. This is going to be random, because I am not sure if Caffeine Free Diet Coke has the same effect on me as does Lemon or Vanilla.) There is very loud annoying music playing, and there are lots of strange people in there.  
  
Neo: There are a lot of strange people in there.  
  
Choi: Dude, it's what it's all about!!  
  
Neo: Come again?  
  
Choi: Look, go and do something. Me and Dujour-  
  
Neo: *splutter*  
  
Choi: Me and her are going over to that bench to talk to scary people.  
  
Neo: What-everrrr.  
  
He walks over to a wall, and mopes. He prefers the Little Trees, but they won't play it here! Suddenly, Help! I'm A Fish plays.  
  
Neo: Oh, yeah!!! Come on!  
  
He dances. If you can call it that. Cue weird looks from weird people around the place. A leather-clad woman, surprisingly fitting in with all the other leather-clad people there, approaches him.  
  
Woman: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo: Hi. Care to join me?  
  
Woman: No. What in the name of arse are you doing?  
  
Neo: Dancing, dude.  
  
Woman: If you say so.  
  
Neo: Who are you?  
  
Woman: My name is Trinity.  
  
Neo: THE Trinity? The one that hacked the IRS D-base?  
  
Trinity: There is no database.  
  
Neo: So it wasn't you?  
  
Trinity: Yes.  
  
Neo: Ok. This is the bit I don't get. When someone asks you if you aren't something or you didn't do something, what does "yes" mean?  
  
Trinity blinks.  
  
Neo: If I was asked "So you're not a hacker?" then would Yes mean I am or I'm not? Would No mean I am or I'm not? See, I make sense.  
  
Trinity: Barely. Anyway, that was a long time ago.  
  
Neo: Jesus.  
  
Trinity: What?  
  
Neo: It's just...I thought you were a chick.  
  
Trinity: I beg your pardon?  
  
Neo: I thought you were a girl, not a dude.  
  
Trinity: Bastard! I'm all woman.  
  
Neo: For how long?  
  
Trinity: There's no use talking to you. Anyway, I've been sent to say that Bobo the Clown won't make it to your party tonight, Neo.  
  
Neo: Ah, shit!  
  
Trinity: Wait...no. Stupid bad signal. You know why you're here tonight, Neo. To find out the answer to the question that's been bugging you for ages.  
  
Neo: You know where my puppy went?!?  
  
Trinity: Not that question.  
  
Neo: OH. The Matrix. What is the Matrix?  
  
Trinity: Can't tell you.  
  
Neo: And you built up all that suspense!!  
  
Trinity: You're in danger. Go to work tomorrow. Be late. Wait for an obvious Fed-Ex package. Open it. And stuff will happen.  
  
Neo: Right. Got it.  
  
Neo heads home, forgetting the pantomime horse that he's tied up to the poledancers' pole. 


	3. Mr Aaaaaanderson

Note: Thankyou to all my reviewers. Here is your next instalment, I hope you like it.  
  
Chapter 3: Mr Aaaaaannderson  
  
Alarm Clock: Beep-beep! Beep-beep!  
  
Neo: Bleurgh.  
  
Alarm Clock: 10:30 AM  
  
Neo: Oh, SHIT!  
  
Neo is late for work. What a clever boy. He gets in his rusty old car and drives to the company he works for. He is called to the boss's office.  
  
Boss: Anderson, come in.  
  
Neo: Yes sir.  
  
Boss: Now, you are aware that you have been late these past few...weeks.  
  
Neo: Yes, sir.  
  
Boss: I don't know why. Is it incessant partying? Drinking? I don't care. But bear this in mind. If you are late again, your arse can kiss the pavement.  
  
Neo blinks.  
  
Boss: You will be FIRED.  
  
Neo: *eep*  
  
Boss: So get to work, you lemming!  
  
Neo: Yessir.  
  
He returns, shameful, to his cubicle. A guy peers over the wall.  
  
Guy: Late again, Anderson?  
  
Neo: Yeah.  
  
Guy: You know, I was scripted to be in the original Matrix.  
  
Neo: Good for you. Now piss off.  
  
He sits and stares at his blank computer screen. Things just hadn't been the same since his computer had been taken away. It was difficult to send emails with just a monitor. A Fed-Ex guy arrives.  
  
Fed-Ex Guy: Hello. I'm from Fed-Ex.  
  
Neo: I know. Do you have a package for me?  
  
F-E G: Sure do. Here y'go. Sign here, will you?  
  
The Fed-Ex guy presents Neo with a package and a form. Neo signs it.  
  
F-E G: Hey, your name isn't George Bush.  
  
Neo: Who says?  
  
F-E G: REALLY? You're the president of the USA? Oh my God!!!!  
  
Neo: Go away.  
  
So the Fed-Ex guy disappears. Neo cautiously opens the package. Inside is a mobile phone.  
  
Neo: Erm?  
  
Phone: Rrrrriiiiinnnnggggg!  
  
Neo: [Answering] Hello?  
  
Random phone guy: Hello! Are you having cesspit problems? Worry no more with Suck-Cess! Call 1800 CESS-PIT!  
  
Neo: Well, come to think of it-  
  
Morpheus: Hello? Neo?  
  
Neo: Ohh, you! I was listening to that.  
  
Morpheus: Neo, you're in danger.  
  
Neo: Morpheus.  
  
Morpheus: DUH!! Now, you need to run to an office at the other end of the corridor. People are coming to find you.  
  
Neo: Eep.  
  
Morpheus: Crouch so you look strange. Go! GO!!  
  
Neo goes. He does look pretty strange, too. He legs it to the end, where he finds a deserted office. Entering, he hears footsteps.  
  
Neo: Ok, what do I do? I'm going to be caught!  
  
Morpheus: Yep. But climb out the window, and head towards the scaffolding. Don't worry, it's not a very long way. And there are only fifty storeys between you and the ground. There's nice comfortable cement down there.  
  
Neo: Are you crazy??  
  
Morpheus: Perhaps. Please, Neo, do this to humour me.  
  
Neo: Anyway, how do you know I'm going to be caught?  
  
Morpheus: I know a lot of things.  
  
Neo: Okay. Give me five facts about Carrie-Anne Moss.  
  
Morpheus: Hmmm.she has her own secret dressing for salad, she likes Pop Rocks.er, she likes purple, was named after a Hollies song and starred in Chocolat as Caroline Clairmont.  
  
Neo: That was weird. How do you do that?  
  
Author: A more appropriate question would be, why do I know that?  
  
Morpheus: Bye! [Hangs up]  
  
Neo: It's not worth it.  
  
He is caught and led to a car by small men in black suits.  
  
Neo: # We are the men in black. #  
  
Suit guy: No, Mr Anderson, WE are the men in black. You are not.  
  
Trinity is sitting on her motorbike in front of the car, peering in the wing mirror. She seems to be watching.  
  
Trinity: Shit.  
  
Sarcastic reader: What's wrong NOW?  
  
Trinity: My lipstick is smudged!  
  
She drives away.  
  
Neo: Are we going to a theme park? Are we? Are we?  
  
The guys ignore him. After a while they arrive at their destination, and they drag Neo out of the car. He is led to a padded greyish room which has grids everywhere. This is to make it seem more mechanised. Neo sits down, and the guys leave and re-enter, this time making a big entrance.  
  
Guy 1: Hobbit SMITH!  
  
Guy 2: Hobbit OTHER GUY!  
  
Guy 3: And.Hobbit SOMEBODY!!  
  
Neo: Wooo! [claps]  
  
Hobbit Smith sits down opposite Neo at the table.  
  
Smith: Hello, Mr Baaaaaggggiiiinnnnsss.  
  
Neo: Buzzzz!!! Wrong answer!  
  
Smith: Oops. Wrong file. One sec.  
  
He searches through the files.  
  
Smith: Reeves.Moss.Fishburne.Pantoliano.Smith.Hey! How did that get in there?...Anderson. Here we are. Let me start again. [Pauses] Mr Aaaaanderson.  
  
Neo: How do you know my name?  
  
Smith: Your ID badge.  
  
Badge: Hello! My name is THOMAS ANDERSON.  
  
Neo: Oh.  
  
Smith: Now, Mr Aaaanderson, it seems you have been living two lives. In one life, you are Thomas Anderson, office worker at Megadurex Ltd. In the other, you are on a quest to destroy the One Ring under the alias of Fro-  
  
Neo: Buzzz! Incorrect answer!  
  
Smith: You know what I mean. And that buzzing is incredibly irritating.  
  
Neo: How about I give you the finger.  
  
He does.  
  
Neo: .And you give me a phone call.  
  
Smith: Mr Aaaaaanderson, what use is a phone call..when you have pants on your head?  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Author: Don't ask me.  
  
Smith: Muahahaha!  
  
Neo finds a pair of Love Kylie pants on his head.  
  
Neo: Whoa! Frills! Cool! Anyway, I can talk with these pants on. I just can't see.  
  
He removes the pants and stuffs them in his pocket. Still overcome with frilliness, the two less important hobbits grab him and rip his shirt open. He fights back.  
  
Author: I'm writing this story, and I want some Keanu chest!  
  
Neo: Keanuwho?  
  
He is plonked down on the table and Hobbit Somebody produces a feather.  
  
Neo: No! Nooo! Not the feather! Anything but the feather! Please!!  
  
Smith: Very well. Put this in your pocket.  
  
Smith hands him a small metal keyring. It is a tracking device, but of course Neo doesn't know that.  
  
Neo: Do I have to?  
  
Smith: It's either that or the navel bug.  
  
Neo: Keyring it is, then.  
  
He puts it in his pocket.  
  
Readers: Boooooring.  
  
Author: I challenge you to do better!  
  
***  
  
Neo sits up in bed, panting.  
  
Neo: I had the weirdest dream.some guy named Trinity was doing Cabaret with Dogstar. Oh, no, wait, that was the night before last. No, there were hobbits.grids.and a keyring.  
  
Suddenly-  
  
Author: That word will be popping up a lot, by the way.  
  
Readers: Shut up and get on with it!  
  
Suddenly Neo is under a random bridge somewhere. It's dark and rainy.  
  
Readers: How did he get there, then? Why is he there?  
  
A car pulls up. The door opens and Trinity is inside.  
  
Trinity: Get in.  
  
He does. A blonde girl in the front pulls a gun on him.  
  
Neo: AAAAH!  
  
Trinity: Legolas! You'll scare him.  
  
Legolas: Sorry. I like doing that.  
  
Trinity: Snapoc, step on the gas.  
  
Snapoc: Harry Pottttter.  
  
Neo: Sorry?  
  
Snapoc: Sorry, force of habit. You know me.  
  
Neo: Well, no, I don't actually.  
  
Trinity: Neo, keep still. You've been keyringed.  
  
Neo: I know. What you going to do about it?  
  
Trinity lifts up a huge gun thing.  
  
Trinity: Stand clear. Keep still.  
  
She puts the gun to his pocket and zaps.  
  
Neo: AARGH! Couldn't you just have taken it out?  
  
They drive to a building somewhere. I don't know where, you don't know where, and Neo doesn't know where.  
  
Neo: I don't know where.  
  
If you want to find out where, wait for the next instalment of LORD OF THE MATRIX! 


	4. Morpheus Speaks

Chapter 4: Morpheus Speaks  
  
Last time we left our hero, he was wondering where he was. Flashback:  
  
Neo: I don't know.  
  
On with the story!  
  
Author: I know.  
  
Neo: Do you?  
  
Author: Shut up or I kill you off.  
  
Neo: Jeez! Someone's stressy.  
  
The four of them head to a random room in the random building. Trinity opens the door and motions for Neo to go in.  
  
Neo: Are you coming in?  
  
Trinity: Nope. We're going to get high on caffeine. If you need us, we'll be in the coffee bar.  
  
There is a big guy standing in the corner, looking out of the window. He is wearing a maroon bathrobe and he has a big afro. Gracing the centre of the floor are two black armchairs. The guy turns round and smiles. He has sunglasses perched on the end of his nose.  
  
Guy: Hey, Neo!  
  
Neo: Morpheus.  
  
Morpheus: No less, sista. Sit down.  
  
Neo: [Sits down] Soooo.what is the Matrix?  
  
Morpheus: Neo, have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real, that when you woke up you weren't sure whether you were awake or still dreaming?  
  
Neo: No.  
  
Morpheus: Oh. Well, say yes, so it seems more interesting.  
  
Neo: Okay. Yes.  
  
Some serious rabbiting ensues. And because the author hasn't seen the Matrix for a few weeks, she's forgotten what Morph said. So.  
  
Morpheus: Blah blah.rabbit hole.this is the anthem, throw all your hands up.wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark.blah blah blah.it's the remix to ignition, it's hot and fresh out the kitchen.blah.he was a sk8er boi.she said see you later boi.i'm too evil for my shirt..blah blah.dream of californication.these wounds won't seem to heal.bring me to life.  
  
Neo: Wow. Are you on drugs?  
  
Morpheus: No. Now, in my hand I have two pills.  
  
Neo: Are they drugs?  
  
Morpheus: No!!  
  
Neo: Really, Morpheus. This is a PG-13 fic. Swearing is acceptable but drugs? Tsk tsk.  
  
Morpheus puts the red pill in his left hand, the blue pill in his right. His third hand scratches his bottom.  
  
Morpheus: WHAT???  
  
Author: Oops. Sorry.  
  
Morpheus's third hand is actually scratching his head.  
  
Morpheus: That's more like it. Now, you have a choice, Neo. Take the blue pill and you'll wake up at home, remembering nothing about this and two stone lighter.  
  
Neo: Hmm.  
  
Morpheus: But take the red pill and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. And you won't have to worry about a haircut for a while.  
  
Neo: What rabbit hole?  
  
Morpheus: The metaphorical one.  
  
Neo: I don't see no metamaphorical rabbit hole.  
  
Morpheus: Just take it.  
  
He does. Suddenly everything changes. He is sitting in a tatty chair surrounded by wires and computers. There is a mirror next to Neo. He looks in it and it cracks.  
  
Author: Wait. Sex gods don't crack mirrors.  
  
The following scene has been removed because it caused the author's brain to melt.  
  
Author: Random enough for ya?  
  
Neo wakes up in a vat of goo.  
  
Neo: Ewww! Is this lubricant?  
  
Author: Hell, no.  
  
Neo: Well, what is it?  
  
Author: Nobody knows. It has the consistency of hair gel. Actually, it could well be.  
  
Neo: Cool. Oh my god! Lots of plugs and wires! OH NO! MY HAIR!  
  
Author: OH NO! HIS HAIR!  
  
The wires ping off Neo.  
  
Wires: Ping!  
  
Neo: Okay.  
  
A freaky robot flying thing comes to Neo's pod and pulls the plug out of Neo's head.  
  
Neo: Ow.  
  
Something happens and Neo is sucked into a pool of water.  
  
Neo: [splashing] Aaagh! I can't swim!  
  
Author: You couldn't before.  
  
Neo: Oh yeah.  
  
***  
  
Neo is splashing about still. A metal claw comes down and grabs. It misses. It goes back up. It comes down again, grabs, and misses him. Again. This happens several times until it finally grabs him. Then he is on a bench with a lot of needles in him.  
  
Readers: Eeew!  
  
Author: Yeah, eww.  
  
Neo opens his eyes.  
  
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?  
  
Morpheus: There's a fly in your eye.  
  
Neo: Oh. [Pause] Yuck.  
  
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world.  
  
Neo: Huh? [Pause] Oh.  
  
Morpheus: Come with me. Let's meet the crew, and then I'll show you the Matrix. By the way, this is the Nebuchadnezzar.  
  
Neo: Nebnezzy. Got it.  
  
He leads Neo to the main deck.  
  
Morpheus: Right. This is Tank, operator of the ship, and this is Poser, his brother.  
  
Tank: Hey.  
  
Poser: Yo dude. I am the coolest. I'm a skater.  
  
Neo: Cool.  
  
Morpheus: This is Legolas, Trinity - you'll have met her -  
  
Neo: Her?  
  
Morpheus: - and Snapoc.  
  
Snapoc: Harry Potter.  
  
Neo: What is it with this Happy Rotter stuff?  
  
Morpheus: Ah, yes, and that guy, Siphon.  
  
Siphon: Sluuuuuuurp.  
  
Morpheus: *Ahem* This is Louse. He's the youngest member of the crew.  
  
Louse: Beep.  
  
Morpheus: So, are you ready to see fake reality?  
  
Neo: Any time.  
  
Tank. Setzt.  
  
Neo does. A painful plug goes into the back of his head.  
  
Everything is white.  
  
Morpheus: Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.  
  
Morpheus is sitting in a red armchair. There are two, and they are facing a television. Neo is dressed in his normal clothes, with sexy hair and no plugs.  
  
Neo: How come.  
  
Morpheus: RSI.  
  
Neo: Repetitive strain injury?  
  
Morpheus: No, Residual self-image. It's what your mind remembered you to look like before you were unplugged. And your plugs are gone.  
  
Neo: Ooh.  
  
Morpheus: Ok. So when you were unplugged it was 1999. But really, it's closer to 2199. We have no idea. But this is what the world looked like as you know it.  
  
The television is switched on. It shows Emmer Green. Which is possibly the most boring town in merrie England.  
  
Neo: Boy, am I glad I don't live there.  
  
Author: Boy, are you lucky.  
  
Morpheus: And *click* this is what the world looks like today.  
  
The television shows naked lesbians kissing.  
  
Neo: Take me there!  
  
Morpheus: Oops. I mean, this. *Click*  
  
The television now shows something bad. Everything has been destroyed.  
  
Neo: Jesus.  
  
So, what will happen? Will Sophie continue with these annoying endings? Will the hobbits come back? Will anything interesting happen? Tune in next time! 


	5. When I say jump

Chapter 5 - When I say jump.  
  
Neo looks up from the television.  
  
Neo: This is really the world?  
  
Morpheus: Yes, Neo. You have been living in a dream world. It's hard, I know-  
  
Neo: Whoa! This is UNREAL!  
  
Morpheus: Well, actually, it's real. The life you've been living IS unreal. There was no such thing as the Chinese Noodle Palace or MTV.  
  
Neo: So no more MTV for me? Noooooooooo!!!  
  
Morpheus: Zippit. Anyway, Tank, load the program.  
  
The scene changes - they are under a big top. Morpheus is hanging from a trapeze.  
  
Morpheus: Not THAT program.  
  
Tank: My fault. Sorry.  
  
They are at a crossing. On the other side of the road stand vast numbers of black-suited businesspeople.  
  
Neo: Boooooring!  
  
Morpheus: Now, Neo, you must learn to distinguish between what is real and what is not. Blah blah blah blah.  
  
A woman in a red dress walks past. She smiles at Neo.  
  
Morpheus: Neo, were you listening to me? Or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?  
  
Neo: I, er..  
  
Morpheus: Look again.  
  
Neo turns round, and jumps. The woman is brandishing an Uzi at him and smoking a cigar.  
  
Morpheus: Never trust a woman.  
  
Sophie: I cannot believe I just wrote that.  
  
Neo: Eep.  
  
Morpheus: Tank, hold it.  
  
Everything freezes, apart from Morpheus and Neo.  
  
Neo: This is just too weird.  
  
Morpheus: This is going nowhere. Load the jump program.  
  
They are standing on a very large trampoline.  
  
Morpheus: Now, I want you to do exactly what I do.  
  
He jumps, does a quadruple somersault, spins a bit, and lands gracefully.  
  
Neo: Whoa. Ok. Okaaay. Free your mind. I can do that. Free mind.  
  
*Cut back to the Neb*  
  
Trinity: He won't make it.  
  
Siphon: Sluuuuuuurp.  
  
*Back again*  
  
Neo: Okay. One. Two. Three.  
  
He jumps.  
  
Neo: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
He falls onto the concrete, which does not form a stretchy trampoline-type thing.  
  
Morpheus: Oops.  
  
He jumps down and uses a shovel to extract Neo from the Neo-shaped dent in the road.  
  
Morpheus: Come on. Let's go.  
  
They walk off hand in hand into the sunset while Sophie thinks of a new chapter. 


	6. It's good for two things

Chapter 6 - It's good for two things...  
  
Neo sits bolt upright in the chair, disorientated.  
  
Neo: Where am I?  
  
Morpheus: You know where you are.  
  
Neo: Oh, right. Hiya Clarice, great party, sorry I forgot your present.  
  
Morpheus: You have the intelligence of a three-year-old. No, Neo, in fact you are in the Nebuchadnezzar. I cannot believe you have forgotten all I taught you.  
  
Neo: What did you teach me? Was there any homework? AAARGH! I haven't done it!  
  
Louse: Dear GOD.  
  
Neo: Why am I bleeding?  
  
Morpheus: The Matrix may not be real, but your mind makes it real. Don't worry, it's only a scratch.  
  
Neo: I have a SEVERED ARM.  
  
Trinity: I can fix that. I got my first aid badge as a girl guide.  
  
Morpheus: After Trinity has reattached your arm, I think you should get some sleep. We have a long day tomorrow. If it is day. Nobody really knows.  
  
Neo: Please stop.  
  
- 8 HOURS LATER -  
  
Trinity pushes open the door to Neo's room, none too quietly. He wakes with a start, but Trinity doesn't notice.  
  
Trinity: (whispering) Neo, I brought you some breakfast... I love you. With a passion.  
  
Neo: Er, I'm awake.  
  
Trinity: Bugger it.  
  
She leaves, and Neo gets up, treading on the croissant as he does so. He walks into the main deck. Siphon is watching the coded screens with apparent interest.  
  
Neo: What's on?  
  
Siphon: Slurp. Shit, Neo, you scared the Bee Gees out of me. Anyway, yeah, I'm watching Deep Impact. I have a thing for Elijah Wood.  
  
Neo: How can you read it? The code, I mean.  
  
Siphon: Well, *slurp* you get used to it after a while. But, like, you get bored of no TV, so I bought cable TV. I missed the TV I got in New Orleans.  
  
Neo: You come from New Orleans?  
  
Siphon: No.  
  
Neo: Very well. Hey, you want a drink?  
  
Siphon: *hiss-slurp* that's...my...line!  
  
Neo: Well SAY IT!  
  
Siphon: Hey, you...uh... want a drink?  
  
Neo: Sure.  
  
Siphon: Poser brews it. It's good for two things - tea parties and ice lollies.  
  
Neo: Groovy. (Takes a sip) Mmmm. Tastes like... an infusion of strawberry and rosehip. Maybe a tinge of cranberry there, but it is difficult to tell.  
  
Siphon: Really? I thought I could taste blackcurrant. Shows you how different we all are. So, then, whaddya think?  
  
Neo: Of what?  
  
Siphon: *Rolls eyes* The Matrix.  
  
Neo: It's... different.  
  
Siphon: Well, I guess it's a little hard for you. When we were unplugged we had successful jobs in a canning factory. You... you didn't have a life. I suppose you miss being a fat-arsed slacker.  
  
Neo: Like hell I do.  
  
Siphon: You do, though.  
  
Neo: I do.  
  
Siphon: Welcome. Welcome to the real world.  
  
- A FANCY-LOOKING RESTAURANT -  
  
Siphon and Hobbit Smith are dining at a table.  
  
Hobbit Smith: Choose what you want. My treat.  
  
Siphon: Oh, Smith, I couldn't *possibly* make you pay for all this! It's so... expensive!  
  
Hobbit Smith: No, seriously, I insist. Please.  
  
Siphon: Well, if you say so. I'll have the braised leg of lamb and a glass of Chardonnay.  
  
Waiter: An excellent choice.  
  
Siphon: I know it is. I made it.  
  
Smith: I shall have the... cheese toastie. And, I think, the house wine.  
  
Waiter: Right away, sir. Thankyou, sir.  
  
Half an hour later, their food arrives.  
  
Smith: So, Mr. Schwarzenegger, what were you saying?  
  
He takes a bite of his toastie, savouring the mouthwatering goodness.  
  
Siphon: After all these years unplugged from the Matrix, I have realised something.  
  
Smith: What is that?  
  
Siphon: I cannot live without MTV.  
  
Smith: So, do we have a deal?  
  
Siphon: Just reinsert my body into the Matrix. I want to be a world leader, mind. And a good one. Give me lots of muscles. Can you do that?  
  
Smith: Sure can, Mr. Schwarzenegger.  
  
Siphon: Okey-cokey. You do that, and I will get you what you want.  
  
Smith: Access codes to the safe holding the biggest collection of DivaStarz in the real world.  
  
Siphon: I told you, I don't have them. But I can get you the man who does.  
  
Smith: Commander Lock?  
  
Siphon: Buzzz. Guess again.  
  
Smith: Counsellor Haman?  
  
Siphon: For crying out LOUD. Morpheus.  
  
Smith: Morpheus. 


	7. The One Bling, and a Happy Meal

A/N: Okay, it must have been about six months or more since I updated this - been a busy bee. At least I've seen LOTR a few times enough to grasp the plot. So here it is - chapter seven of The Lord Of The Matrix!  
  
-- THE NEB –  
  
Morpheus: Okay, Neo. We are ready- ready to go somewhere you will know but will have never really experienced.  
  
Neo: No, I've been to Disneyland.  
  
Morpheus: We are going into the MATRIX, Neo.  
  
Neo: Cool. Can I go on Space Mountain?  
  
Trinity: Don't you just want to hit him, sometimes?  
  
Neo: Yeah- oh. You mean me. Right. I'll shut up now.  
  
Morpheus: Are you ready, Neo? Are you ready to ROCK?  
  
Neo: Did I just hear you correctly?  
  
Morpheus: Um. I said are you ready to ENTER THE MATRIX?  
  
Neo: YES! I AM REEEAADDYYY!!!  
  
Trinity: Please take a seat, and enjoy the ride. Fire exits are located h-  
  
Morpheus: Will you SHUT UP?  
  
The two bundle Neo into one of the tatty recliners near them.  
  
Neo: Hey- is this one of those cool chairs? Ohmygod, it totally is! Woowww! *pushing springy-out footrest down with his feet* I LOVE these!  
  
Trinity: Oh, screw this- *jacks him in*  
  
-- SOMEWHERE LONELY- MUST BE THE MATRIX –  
  
Morpheus: Welcome, Neo.  
  
Neo: Welcome, Morpheus.  
  
The rest of the crew join them, except for TANK and POSER because they can't. TANK is a freeborn and so is POSER, but even if he wasn't, POSER would be too busy looking in the mirror to be bothered about jacking in. LOUSE is too busy beeping and concentrating on the woman in the red dress.  
  
Morpheus: Do you know why you were unplugged? Do you know what we are living and fighting for?  
  
Neo: Well, as far as I know, I was unplugged because I knew about you. I knew about the Matrix. Well, I had my suspicions, because I didn't think that the noodle bar down the road could be real.  
  
Trinity: Why?  
  
Neo: Have you SEEN the prices? No noodle bar could survive on such LOW prices. Hooha!  
  
Trinity: You just said "Hooha".  
  
Neo: Sorry, so sorry.  
  
Morpheus: Okay, well, anyway. The fact is, we are all in danger. We are protecting something, of great value.  
  
Neo: Me?  
  
Morpheus: Er, no. This thing is called the "One Bling". It is highly dangerous and must be destroyed.  
  
Neo: Can I see it?  
  
Morpheus: Well, I suppose.  
  
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gold medallion.  
  
Neo: Wow, BLING!  
  
Morpheus: You said it. Look, there's an inscription.  
  
Inscription: God is a DJ, Life is the dancefloor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music  
  
Neo: Wow. That's pretty deep. How- how did it come to be in your power?  
  
Morpheus: I picked it up reasonably cheap at a jumble sale.  
  
Neo: It's just - I was wondering, if you have it here, do you have it in the, well, "real" world? Where does it go when we're not in the Matrix?  
  
Trinity: That's the most intelligent thing you've said, like, ever.  
  
Neo: My pleasure.  
  
Morpheus: Oh, come on, Neo, how could you expect me to know something like that? I'm a ship's captain, not a SCIENTIST. It probably hovers around in cyberspace. Does something fun. I dunno.  
  
Trinity: Best leave it at that. My Trinity senses are tingling, we had better move.  
  
So this is the Fellowship of Six: Trinity, Neo, Morpheus, Legolas, Snapoc, and Siphon. They walk across an empty land. Morpheus knew the pathway like the back of his hand. (Okay, I'll stop putting Keane lyrics in, sorry)  
  
Neo: Where are we headed?  
  
Morpheus: A place of peace and harmony. For now, anyway. The land of the Elf people. They're very nice, just a little – threatened.  
  
Legolas: Uh, OBJECTION! They're my people and we aren't threatened. We're just vulnerable and sensitive. Because we have hearts and care about small fluffy animals.  
  
Neo: Fair enough.  
  
They reach the town with plenty of time to spare (for what? My brain hurts). They climb the majestic, ivy-covered marble steps to a building grander than Neo had ever seen in his entire Matrix life...  
  
Neo: McDONALD'S?  
  
Morpheus: Aren't you hungry, Neo? I like to stop here whenever we pass by, because it's nice.  
  
Trinity: I'll have a Big Mac. And large, no, super-size fries, and a Coke.  
  
Neo: The girl can eat.  
  
Trinity: Yeah, well. It's not like I have to worry about my weight in the Matrix. Oh, what a pleasure it is.  
  
Neo: I'm not hungry, thanks.  
  
Legolas: You sure, Neo? I mean, we're in for a long journey.  
  
Neo: Oh, MAN. How long?  
  
Legolas: Oh, just, quite long. I haven't been for a while, so I kinda forgot.  
  
Neo: Shoot. Okay then. I'll have a Happy Meal with chicken nuggets. And a fruit juice.  
  
Trinity: It makes you wonder, doesn't it?  
  
Morpheus: I've had my doubts. But he must be the Chosen One, after all the others, he must be. Mustn't he?  
  
Trinity: I have no choice but to trust you. And I can't disagree 'cos my food is here and I'm starving. Smell you later.  
  
Trinity dashes off to eat while the others wait for their orders. Siphon bangs his head on the table.  
  
Siphon: Oh, man! *Slurp* They don't have goop! They have no goop here! I hate this place!  
  
Neo: Hey, that Snapoc guy hasn't said much.  
  
Snapoc: What's that, Potter?  
  
Neo: See, I don't GET you. Who the Frodo Baggins is Potter? What was his first name again? Holly? Hannah?  
  
Snapoc: Harry. Harry Potter. *shudders* Stupid boy. Worst student ever. Thinks he's a celebrity. Oh, he isn't, he isn't.  
  
Neo: I am SO THROUGH with talking to him.  
  
They finish their meals, and set off again. This time they reach a block of flats about ten storeys high.  
  
Morpheus: Welcome to the palace of Smelrond.  
  
Neo: Palace? You are joking?  
  
They climb the stairs in the building until they get to the top. Walking into the room, they come face-to-face with a long-haired, very smelly old man.  
  
Neo: Dude! It's that hobbit guy! The one who slurs my name!  
  
Smelrond: You must be mistaken, we have not met. I am Smelrond, and I govern this kingdom.  
  
Morpheus: Yes. Smelrond. *chokes* We are *cough* pleased *splutter* to see you. We are *deep breath* in search of help.  
  
Smelrond: Is this about the One Bling? I have heard much of its travels.  
  
Morpheus: You got it.  
  
Smelrond: Okay, well, I can't take it. I'd be a dead man. You have to go to Merdor and destroy the medallion – drop it into the magic toilet of the goblins. The acid in the water is enough to melt it.  
  
Neo: Merdor? Toilet? That sounds appealing.  
  
Trinity: Shut it, short stuff.  
  
Neo: Shut it yourself.  
  
Morpheus: Will you two stop fighting? We have to go to Merdor this instant.  
  
Neo: Uh, a question?  
  
Smelrond: Fire away.  
  
Neo: What does the One Bling do?  
  
Smelrond: Much harm, much damage. Much grief. It turns the wearer into – dare I say it – a gangster rapper.  
  
Legolas screams and faints, while Snapoc crouches down and sobs.  
  
Morpheus: You see, Neo, this is why we cannot let it get into evil hands. We cannot cope with any more gangster rap in the Matrix, or it could overload and fry.  
  
Trinity: Don't say it! It hurts too much!  
  
Smelrond: Go! You must go! Now!  
  
So they go. And suddenly Neo realises he left his sunglasses in McDonald's but there is no time to go back. But they run into a wall with a suit on.  
  
Wall: Mr Aaaandersooonnn. Where are you going?  
  
*CLIFFHANGER* 


End file.
